I have those days, that I just don’t feel quite right, something is off. My mind and body are tired. Tired from what? Tired from just existing. Tired from trying to stay constantly busy, so I don’t have time to think. Tired from being a little OCD, which is something rather new for me. I don’t mean the OCD that totally dictates one’s life, but just enough that I feel that I must accomplish certain tasks daily or I have failed.
Laundry used to stay in piles, clean or dirty, and folding and putting them away just didn’t happen. The kitchen would pile up with dirty dishes, I didn’t care. But not these days. I am a laundry professional. My husband and son could wear the same clothes every day. And, dirty dishes … or clean … I don’t want to see them. Immediately they must be washed and put away. These are not necessarily bad traits, but they are definitely different for me.
I wanted to stay in bed today, keep myself toasty under the blankets and do nothing. But, I cannot focus enough to watch a TV show or movie, and I have not been able to read in some time. Reading was what I did … always. I hope that I am able to get lost in a book again, soon. It is times that I am idle, when the darkness can creep in. Oh, don’t get me wrong. It can come anytime, never invited! I have to keep my hands busy, my feet moving, and the music playing loud to get through my days.
Discovering one’s self, after meeting your illness head on, is quite a journey. I don’t really know this person I am. I am still evolving, ever-changing. But I know I did not like the person I was. Honestly, I hated myself. I was never good enough, thin enough, pretty enough, smart enough … I just wasn’t enough. I am learning, slowly, that I am enough; even with this mental illness I carry around like a heavy chain. I still have a long journey ahead of me, to find myself, and my purpose. One day, I will be able to break the chains, one day …
Whispers of The Darkness 
I can totally relate to this. I know when things are bad when I have a backlog of dishes and they sit there. I do laundry on auto pilot even when struggling with low lost mood or lack of motivation.
LikeLiked by 1 person
A great post and I totally relate to the sudden change in your behaviour – maybe this is typical of people with BPD? For many years I had about 20 000 pieces of paper strewn around the floors of my house sometimes I could not even go into rooms as I couldn’t walk on the floor. Then suddenly I decided I was decluttering my house and threw away or filed all 20,000 pieces of paper in 3 days. I also cleared all the shit out of my room and started making my bed and opening my curtains every day which I had never done before. This has coincides with a reversal of my sleeping patterns where I didn’t used to get up before 9am now I am often up at 5.30 or 6.30. My house looks amazing and I feel so much better a decluttered tidy home really does have an effect on your mind! Thanks for following my blog.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I also started opening the windows, and doing other things. I agree, it makes me feel better. Lately, I had become overwhelmed with a new endeavor, and my schedule got off. That is what I lived by to keep me sane. I was getting behind in my chores, and it was making me crazy. Yesterday, I tackled it, and got it in shape. I felt so much better! Hope you have a great day!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Remember that you are enough. Even on bad days. You’re right, self discovery is a long journey. It’s great to connect with you, thanks for visiting my blog and for the follow. I look forward to your posts. Take care, Jenny
LikeLiked by 1 person
Coming to terms with what may be a chronic illness is always challenging and takes courage. But you can be strong with that illness and learn how to turn some of the symptoms into assets.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you Robert.
LikeLiked by 1 person