I have those days, that I just don’t feel quite right, something is off. My mind and body are tired. Tired from what? Tired from just existing. Tired from trying to stay constantly busy, so I don’t have time to think. Tired from being a little OCD, which is something rather new for me. I don’t mean the OCD that totally dictates one’s life, but just enough that I feel that I must accomplish certain tasks daily or I have failed.
Laundry used to stay in piles, clean or dirty, and folding and putting them away just didn’t happen. The kitchen would pile up with dirty dishes, I didn’t care. But not these days. I am a laundry professional. My husband and son could wear the same clothes every day. And, dirty dishes … or clean … I don’t want to see them. Immediately they must be washed and put away. These are not necessarily bad traits, but they are definitely different for me.
I wanted to stay in bed today, keep myself toasty under the blankets and do nothing. But, I cannot focus enough to watch a TV show or movie, and I have not been able to read in some time. Reading was what I did … always. I hope that I am able to get lost in a book again, soon. It is times that I am idle, when the darkness can creep in. Oh, don’t get me wrong. It can come anytime, never invited! I have to keep my hands busy, my feet moving, and the music playing loud to get through my days.
Discovering one’s self, after meeting your illness head on, is quite a journey. I don’t really know this person I am. I am still evolving, ever-changing. But I know I did not like the person I was. Honestly, I hated myself. I was never good enough, thin enough, pretty enough, smart enough … I just wasn’t enough. I am learning, slowly, that I am enough; even with this mental illness I carry around like a heavy chain. I still have a long journey ahead of me, to find myself, and my purpose. One day, I will be able to break the chains, one day …