The Tornado In My Head

For some reason my sick mind felt it necessary to revisit an old hurt. A very deep one. Why? Why do I do this to myself? Just like the quote says, there is a monster in my head. It seeks me, and takes hold. It replays visions, conversations and pain over and over until I cannot take it anymore.

It causes me to lash out, and be hurtful. It causes me more pain than I already have.  It causes anger, rage, panic, fear, sadness, and it torments me.  And then, you wake up another day, and wonder why? What the hell just happened? Where did that come from?

The tornado is gone. The monster is asleep. For now.

 

Hello Borderline!

I knew it was coming, it was just a matter of when. I have been steadily getting angrier, less patient, and really irritable.

Today was the day! I am not stuck in bed in a fetal position, but I am at my whit’s end with most everyone.

I really just want to scream at the top of my lungs, throw things and let out this rage that is building inside me.

I am exhausted. I have been physically ill for about a month now. I have no idea why, and will have to go get blood work done soon. It feels like a mono relapse.

I am tired of people taking advantage of me. I am tired of lazy people not doing their share of the work. I am tired of judgmental people and wish they would shut the hell up! You try to do something nice, and someone always seems to have a smart mouth comment to make. I am TIRED! I am FED UP!

I am DAMNED IF I DO and DAMNED IF I DON’T …

It’s Been a While …

 

I haven’t made a post about myself in a while. I have become overwhelmed in completing a project. It has kept me focused, and for the most part I have felt well. I actually felt stable for longer than usual. (Notice the use of “felt”).

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I have been staying up late, and spending many hours each day trying to complete my huge project. I haven’t been eating well, and I am literally exhausted. Yet, as usual, I cannot rest. I mean that in the sense of not being able to watch TV, or read, or do something relaxing. I am finding it very hard to just type this.

My body aches. I have been getting nauseated every day. I am starting to have high anxiety again. It had lessened for a short time. My nerves are on edge, and little things are bothering me. People are bothering me, certain ones in particular.

I am sensing the on-set of an episode, but I am hoping to be able to keep it at bay. I feel my rage building, and at this time it is focused on my husband. I could blow at any time.
Sometimes he just annoys the shit out of me!

My chest is heavy, my limbs are heavy. I get cold, I get hot. I cannot eat, even though I know I need to. My sense of peace is leaving, rapidly. I knew it had been too good for too long. I knew it would show up at any moment, I was just hoping against odds that it wouldn’t.

That is the mystery of being Borderline. You just never know when it will hit and why. But one thing you can count on is that it will hit. It doesn’t leave you alone for too long. It seems to sense when you are doing well, and has to knock you down to remind you it is there.
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I am bracing myself, because it is coming!

Rescues – Saving One Life at A Time

The Story of Falkor

It was on a day in October, 2016 that I received the call from the Rescue. I had just left the animal shelter, pulling two defeated souls from death row. The call was about a dog that had just arrived. He had been savagely beaten.

My heart sank. My car was full. There was no way I could pick up this poor, next-to-death dog. Luckily, another volunteer lived nearby and was able to have him at the nearest emergency vet within 40 minutes of the initial call.

He was known as B.Y.O.B. He lived in what was considered the low-income side of town. He resided in a trailer park. Not a lot is known of his life, other than it was not very good.

He got out of the front door of his home. For reasons unknown, and never to be understood, a neighbor felt threatened by this senior dog. This monster of a human went inside his home and retrieved a baseball bat. The dog was near a child (although there was never any indication that the child was in any danger).

It is known that this dog was a protector. Perhaps he was from a home with domestic abuse, or child abuse. I do not know. What I do know is this dog saw this man coming towards the child with a baseball bat, and bravely stood in front of the child. I also know that if having to make that choice again, he would not hesitate to do so.

Little did he know, he would receive the beating of his life. He was hit with such force, multiple times, that his jaw was shattered. His eye was bludgeoned, and he was continuously beaten. He was blind, bleeding and near death when the authorities arrived.

I have to question the man who beat him. Why? No one knows. If they do, they are not saying. I cannot fathom the depth of hate, anger, and violence this person possesses.

The owner’s of the dog decided not to pursue charges. Perhaps they feared for their safety as well. Another mystery left to our imaginations.

He was given the name of “Falkor” from the movie “The never-ending Story”.

Falkor is a Luck Dragon.

“Falkor’s attitude purely comes from his heart. It is proven that his openness to making friends means a lot to everyone he encounters, into which Falkor in return treasures every friendship he has. Falkor, however, never wants to make enemies, only those who are threats to his friends or threats in general towards Fantasia itself.”

Source: Fandom by wikia.com

Rushed to the emergency vet, not knowing if this dog would survive, the decision was made by the Rescue to do anything possible to save his life. And that is what they did. No expense was spared. No procedure denied. No questions of the cost this was going to create. The following 24 – 48 hours were critical.

A statement from the vet follows:

Falkor has a broken jaw, broken teeth, needs to have the right eye removed, is currently blind in the left (could be from the swelling), frontal lobe of skull is broken, eye socket fractured, swelling of the brain, could have possible brain damage (too early to tell). Is disoriented… swelling must come down.”

The waiting game began. As the swelling subsided, procedures were able to be done to access the actual damage. As you read above, he suffered severe wounds. It was decided to first remove the damaged eye. By the grace of God, the sight in Falkor’s left eye returned. There was hope.

Falkor received other surgeries to attempt to reset his shattered jaw. It is wired together, and in a position that complete healing may never happen. But, Falkor was slowly on the mend. He was kept on pain medication and sedatives to keep him as comfortable as possible. It was discovered during this time that he had testicular cancer, and was neutered. All signs of cancer are gone.

After a stay of close to one month in the emergency veterinarian’s office, Falkor was ready to move to a foster home. His foster home was already decided, choosing the best person thought to be able to help Falkor become whole once again.

And this is where the real healing begins.

Falkor moved to a small, country town in Texas. His foster is a young mother of a 4 year-old son and married to a Firefighter/EMT. It is believed that Falkor is approximately 10 years-old. He is a Chow/Shar Pei mix. Oddly enough, his foster-mother was raised with this exact mix of dog, as a child.

In the beginning, trust was a very big issue with Falkor. He could only see from certain angles, and was in a completely different environment than he knew. He had new people, smells, and surroundings that he would have to get accustomed to.

People from all over the United States, and abroad, began purchasing all of Falkor’s needs. He continues to receive a large amount of shipments. He is known well by the postal service in this small town.

Falkor settled into his new life well. He began to trust. He shows a love and gratitude to his foster-mother that words cannot describe. You can sense his appreciation. To finally know love, and to feel a gentle hand, possibly for the first time in his life.

Falkor is important. His life matters. Falkor is gentle. He is quiet. He is content. He is happy. He also has a forever wink! Falkor has his very own human boy to love. And to see that love will make you smile!

Candyland

“Never give up, and good luck will find you.”

Falkor – “The never-ending Story”

Getting Faith … In The Form of A Dog

Sometimes our prayers are answered in the strangest ways.  Last year, towards the end of August, I was not well. I prayed. I prayed a lot. I prayed for hope, faith, to feel better, to release me of panic and anxiety and numerous other things.

I was a registered foster through an animal rescue. I had fostered several puppies and dogs over the past several months. I had just lost my beloved 18-year-old chihuahua, earlier in the month, and I was sad.

Little did I know, my prayer for faith would be answered. Oddly, it was in the form of a dog. A chihuahua, that needed a foster. Below is her story, from the person that found her.

“At The Feet of Jesus”
This little chihuahua was seen being thrown out of a moving vehicle last week at my apartments. Somehow, she migrated to DBU and has been staying by this statue for days, refusing to leave. No one could catch her or get close to her, but she stayed at that statue of Jesus faithfully. With the help of Vienna sausages, I got her to eat from my hand, but she still wouldn’t let me touch her. Last night, as I was feeding her, a friend set up a trap that we borrowed, and this morning, we discovered it had worked. This little chihuahua who was too afraid to get close to people, within a matter of 30 minutes, is wagging her tail, licking my face, trying to play, and following me everywhere. This rescue taught me something about life. Sometimes people or circumstances really break our hearts… Sometimes we feel lost, scared, lonely, and confused. This leads to uncertainty and fear. No matter what our state is, however… No matter what has happened to us in life… if we will seek out Jesus and rest at His feet, and just be so focused on being near to Him, He will send us the help we need and He will bring redemption into our lives. He will replace the hurt and rejection with healing and acceptance. Where are you today? Are you feeling lost or heartbroken? Rest at the feet of Jesus and find peace in His promise to redeem you .

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The picture above is where Faith was found. After being rescued, it was discovered that she was pregnant. She gave birth to four puppies. She nurtured them, and was then ready for her own home.

When I first got Faith (named by the person that rescued her), I had no intentions of adopting her. I was going to keep her safe and loved until she found her forever home. This 16 pound, full of attitude and sass, dog decided I was her people. She was home. She was my faith. I found pleasure, love, and peace with her by my side.

Faith had trust issues due to her past. I could definitely relate to that. Together, we learned to trust each other. Our love for one another continued to grow. Faith grew more comfortable in her new surroundings as each day passed.  She blossomed. She made me laugh. When I was to take her to an adoption event, I knew that I could not let her go. She was mine.

She has an attitude. She is bossy. She is demanding. She is quirky. She is loyal. She is my “Faith” and she is loved. Her life is important, and she got a second chance to feel love, security and trust, probably for the very first time. And I got a new family member to love until the end of her days.

So, when searching for answered prayers, don’t overlook something that might seem a little crazy. God works in mysterious ways, and knows what we need. I needed Faith. Faith needed me. We were led to each other when we were both in need.

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He Doesn’t Know Me Anymore …

And I don’t know him. Is that what happens to people who have been betrayed? Betrayed by the very one that was supposed to cherish and protect you?

It seems unfair. To lose the essence of a deep connection, an emotional bond, because someone chooses to hurt you. I always hear, “I didn’t mean to hurt you”,  “I did it to protect you”. Lying is not protecting me. Lying is what killed my soul.

I used to believed in fairy tales and princesses. I believed this because it was what my life felt like, at one time.  To be knocked off your pedestal, by learning of someone’s betrayal of your trust, is a long, hard fall.  To realize you were never that special after all, is a bitter pill to swallow.

Perhaps it is part of the mental illness, to have felt like I was put on pedestal.  Apparently, it was a portrait I created in my own mind. That picture is nothing but a shattered image now. It mocks me at times. It laughs at how silly I was to believe such things. Fairy tales aren’t true. Certainly I knew this. After all, I was an adult.

Betrayal … it cuts you to the core. The continued lies to try to protect themselves, after you find out. It changes you. How can it not? To lose the one thing you clung to so tightly, have it ripped right out of you. It leaves a deep wound. A wound that likes to open itself up, and stay raw.

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I mourn the loss of that deep connection. I have mourned it for many years. Losing the one thing, you never thought you would have, takes a piece of you, never to be replaced. It leaves an emptiness. A loneliness.

You are left to question every thing. What is true and what is not. How many other lies are there? Do I even want to know? Yes! I want honesty. I want to hear it, all of it. The good, the bad and the ugly. It is the only way I can move on. Why does he not understand this?

I am here, yet I feel as though he looks through me like a pane of glass. He doesn’t see me, he doesn’t know me anymore. How can he? I don’t even know myself anymore. Things are not as they were. They never will be. You can glue a shattered piece back together, but there is forever the evidence of the cracks.

It is in those cracks, that I always get lost. Wondering, searching, needing to know.

You Always Win … (Trigger Warning)

I can’t shake the overwhelming feeling that “The Darkness” wants me. It’s been knocking on my door for a while now. Today, I opened the door to let my mind stop fighting it.  The anxiety and panic have been over-the-top for a week or more. I cannot keep it down, and I am tired of fighting.

Hello old friend! I see you have searched me out and won. You always do! You always win.
Keeping me in your grasp until you feed yourself with my despair.  How long will you feed on me this time? Will you leave when I am completely broken?

I put up a good fight, keeping you at bay. But, you wore me down. You do that, keep eating at me until I give up.

I tried to meet you head on today. I gave you the blood, but I know it isn’t enough. You want more.

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My heart is racing. My chest is heavy. My body aches. I am dizzy and I am tired. I am mostly tired. Fighting you leaves me exhausted. You like that, don’t you? You know my exhaustion makes it easier for you. You strip me down, leaving only raw emotion, where it hurts me the most.

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You are faceless, but I feel you when you are near. You make me shiver, leaving cold air on my skin. You take my emotions, my soul. You take any little bit of what I have left and try to smother me.

You want me to yourself. I know one day you will succeed; because you always win. You come out of nowhere, and hit me. Oh, there are little nudges first. But when you get tired of me fighting you, you knock me down.

I know you well. We have lived together for some time now. You are always lurking in the shadows. You are waiting for that moment, when it has been too long. When you sense I am vulnerable.

You are like a vulture, a big black bird, waiting. You fill me with shame, anger, self-loathing, sadness and despair. You like to bring up all the old hurt, and throw it in my face. You like my rage. It makes you happy. You are greedy.

I Am More Than My Illness …

Although I struggle daily with my mental illness, I am more than that. It does not totally define me as a person. Yes, it alters my thinking at times. But I have passions, talents, and hobbies.

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I am a volunteer and foster for an animal rescue. I have strong opinions about animal neglect and abuse. If your idea of having a dog is to only to keep it chained up outdoors, please do not own a pet.

Animals are designed to be social. They need to be around people, and to feel love and give love. They need to be treated as part of your family. Pets are good for your soul.

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I like to draw and paint. I am not very good, but I love it still. I need to spend more time doing this. I used to get lost in it, but a lot of things have changed. I like to paint on reclaimed word, such as old fencing. I like to decorate frames, boxes, etc. using vintage jewelry. However, that can become extremely tedious.

I love to read. The problem lately is that I have a hard time focusing. Getting lost in a book is something you cannot explain. Only other readers would understand. You can mentally be taken to any place, and feel as if you are there. You can be whomever you wish to be.

I began to journal a few years ago. At some point I stopped. However, I have recently began to blog, and although I have a lot to learn, I enjoy it. I find it to be a good outlet for me.

I just wanted to let people know there is more to me than being mentally ill. Just like there is more to anyone with a mental illness. It may upset some of our days, or even weeks. But underneath all the fog, we are people with much to offer. Sometimes you have to open the oyster to find the pearl inside.

 

 

Like a Tidal Wave …

I just cannot shake this anxiety, and these panic attacks. They are happening often. Daily. I will be fine, and then BAM! Out of no where I am swept away!

It is here now, sitting on my chest, making me dizzy. I want it to go away. I want it to stay away.

I want peace. I want normal. But all I have is chaos and this damn mental illness.

Sweep me away from it, wash me out with the waves! Keep me under the current, and let me have peace!277h

Losing Time … The Clock Seems To Be on High

 

It feels as if time gets away from me. Where do the hours, minutes, seconds go? The world must be spinning out of control, and time is slipping away, faster and faster.

I do not have to be anywhere. I do not have to worry about time, yet it seems to run my life. I want more hours in the day. I don’t have enough minutes in the day to complete all the tasks I want to do.

I get side-tracked. I have so many plans, and things I want to do each day. Yet, I look up and the day is gone. Where did it go? What have I accomplished? Is it really time for dinner? Wasn’t it just morning a few minutes ago?

Why I am a prisoner of the clock eludes me. When I worked outside of the home, time seemed to creep by. Eight hours seemed like a lifetime. Now, it feels like time runs on high, skipping minutes, hours, days.

I want more time. I want to be able to do more things I enjoy. I want to paint, write, and read. My daily tasks, that I must do to keep myself in a routine, have to be complete. If not, I have failed for the day.

Part of my Borderline Personality Disorder has caused me to have a sense of OCD. Things have to be done, order must be followed. It is structure that keeps me grounded. Without it, I would live in complete chaos. I do not like chaos. It causes anxiety. Anxiety and I are not friends, although it seems to like to visit me often.

My days seem to fly by. Where did all seven days go? Has something changed to cause time to flash by like a lightning strike? The clock is my enemy, I don’t want to look at it. Yet, it runs my life.

Maybe I will hide all the clocks. I won’t look at the time. I will just be, and do what I want when I want.

Right! I am going to set my alarm in the morning, so I can gain some more time!

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