I have not written in a long time. And I really don’t want to now, but something compelled me to log on. So, here I am.
I have not been well. The last day I recall being okay was November 10, 2016. On November 11 of that year, I was betrayed again. By the person who swore to never lie to me or intentionally hurt me again. His choice to lie to me set me on a downward spiral that I have never fully recovered. It seems from that event everything just fell out-of-place and I have not been able to find myself again. Yes, it’s been over a year. But one thing leads to another, and stuff keeps building up.
Having Borderline Personality Disorder is more than difficult. It is exhausting on a daily basis. My emotions have been so out of control. I go from rage, sadness, despair, feeling completely lost, numb, hopeless, exhausted, angry, abandoned, depressed … the list is endless. And the feelings are a constant change, but I always feel turmoil in myself.
I thought I was doing better, but that was really a joke. I feel worse than I have in a very long time. From that one stupid event in November 2016, to now, my life has been a constant sit back. The deep emotional roller coaster has left me feeling lifeless and unable to cope.
Add to that the fact that my son joined the Army and left for Basic Training on November 12th of this year. He is 19 years old. And he is my heart. He is the only person in my life that has never hurt me. So as a borderline, you can understand what that means to me. He is my safety. My favorite. My person. We are very close, and I miss him terribly. He was finally able to call me this week for a five-minute phone call. Hearing his voice, my heart! But he is injured, and I hurt for him. I am scared for him. I cry for him. I pray for him.
Mail with the military is very slow. He had not received any of my letters, nor had I received any of his at the time of his phone call. It has been hard. I write to him with inspirational quotes, tell him how proud I am of him, and that he is destined for great things in his life. Funny how I can lift him up, but I cannot dig myself out of this hole. But isn’t that how BPD works? Such a messed up mental illness.
So, I sit here typing with a stomach that would love to purge its contents, but there are none. I barely eat. I have trouble sleeping. I cannot focus on tasks. I cannot function. I have not been able to in a very long time (even prior to my son leaving). I look sick. I have lost a lot of weight. I get frequent headaches and nausea. I don’t feel well. I have had been to the doctor. I have had blood work done. I went through a phase of intense physical pain and was certain there was something wrong with me. There is not, other than I have BPD and it controls my life currently. I have been at the bottom of this pit for over a year now. I try every day to make something of it. I am successful on occasion, but not very often.
There are things I want to do and I cannot seem to get my shit together enough to do anything. I have slipped into a state of depression, that is probably one of the worst ones I have ever dealt with. I pace around the house, hoping to start a task. I sit down. I stare. I get up and pace. The hours go by and nothing is done. I don’t even know what I think about most of the time. If someone were to ask me, I don’t know how I would answer it. I don’t remember. I am lost in this void … in a place that is neither here nor there.
All Is Not Well …