I realized today that it has been a while since I have been out of the house. I have run a quick errand to the local grocery a few times. I actually believe my last long (more than 30 minutes) outing was December 21, 2016, finishing up Christmas shopping. I had a panic attack that day. My husband saw the exact moment it happened. The moment I was taken over by fear. He could tell by the look on my face I had to get out. He was afraid I was going to lose it, and hit someone.
Today we got out to return a few Christmas gifts and do a little shopping. After about an hour, I began to have anxiety. It grew more intense by the minute. I made it through the check out, and took my medication when I got to the car. I was hoping it would help ease my anxiety/panic.
My husband and I went to our second stop. I was hoping my medication would kick in and that I would be able to function. That did not happen. I began to panic, as I could not find my husband to let him know I had to leave the store. I searched and searched, and the anxiety was getting worse. I didn’t know what to do. I was in a panic!
I located a young clerk in the store, and told her I was having an anxiety attack and could not find my husband. I was extremely embarrassed to have to admit this to a complete stranger. She pages him over the intercom! I bow my head in shame, as I wait for him to appear. I feel as if the entire store has stopped, and they are all staring at the woman who had her husband paged across the entire store. He feels like a 5 year-old that is lost, being called by his mother.
I didn’t have my phone with me, so I could not call him. I didn’t have the keys to the car. I was at a point I was about to come unglued in this store. I had to get out, and get out quick! I am terribly embarrassed for myself and my husband that this happened.
I took the walk of shame to the car, where I can cry in private. I feel like a complete idiot for causing a scene. I feel guilty for causing him embarrassment in public. I wish this did not happen. I hate it!
It just comes out of nowhere, the anxiety and sheer panic, and hits me like a ton of bricks. I get a heavy chest, sweat, rapid heart-rate, my vision becomes distorted, my head aches, my body hurts, and I feel the need to run out of the store, fast!
He returns to the car after paying for our purchases. I apologize. I apologize that I am this way, that I embarrassed him, and myself. I feel like a failure. I cry and I cry some more. I cry for having this helpless feeling. I cry because I want to be normal. I cry because I know he must get frustrated with me.
I just cry …