I haven’t made a post about myself in a while. I have become overwhelmed in completing a project. It has kept me focused, and for the most part I have felt well. I actually felt stable for longer than usual. (Notice the use of “felt”).
I have been staying up late, and spending many hours each day trying to complete my huge project. I haven’t been eating well, and I am literally exhausted. Yet, as usual, I cannot rest. I mean that in the sense of not being able to watch TV, or read, or do something relaxing. I am finding it very hard to just type this.
My body aches. I have been getting nauseated every day. I am starting to have high anxiety again. It had lessened for a short time. My nerves are on edge, and little things are bothering me. People are bothering me, certain ones in particular.
I am sensing the on-set of an episode, but I am hoping to be able to keep it at bay. I feel my rage building, and at this time it is focused on my husband. I could blow at any time.
Sometimes he just annoys the shit out of me!
My chest is heavy, my limbs are heavy. I get cold, I get hot. I cannot eat, even though I know I need to. My sense of peace is leaving, rapidly. I knew it had been too good for too long. I knew it would show up at any moment, I was just hoping against odds that it wouldn’t.
That is the mystery of being Borderline. You just never know when it will hit and why. But one thing you can count on is that it will hit. It doesn’t leave you alone for too long. It seems to sense when you are doing well, and has to knock you down to remind you it is there.
I am bracing myself, because it is coming!