You Always Win … (Trigger Warning)

I can’t shake the overwhelming feeling that “The Darkness” wants me. It’s been knocking on my door for a while now. Today, I opened the door to let my mind stop fighting it.  The anxiety and panic have been over-the-top for a week or more. I cannot keep it down, and I am tired of fighting.

Hello old friend! I see you have searched me out and won. You always do! You always win.
Keeping me in your grasp until you feed yourself with my despair.  How long will you feed on me this time? Will you leave when I am completely broken?

I put up a good fight, keeping you at bay. But, you wore me down. You do that, keep eating at me until I give up.

I tried to meet you head on today. I gave you the blood, but I know it isn’t enough. You want more.

cuttingcolor

My heart is racing. My chest is heavy. My body aches. I am dizzy and I am tired. I am mostly tired. Fighting you leaves me exhausted. You like that, don’t you? You know my exhaustion makes it easier for you. You strip me down, leaving only raw emotion, where it hurts me the most.

noface

You are faceless, but I feel you when you are near. You make me shiver, leaving cold air on my skin. You take my emotions, my soul. You take any little bit of what I have left and try to smother me.

You want me to yourself. I know one day you will succeed; because you always win. You come out of nowhere, and hit me. Oh, there are little nudges first. But when you get tired of me fighting you, you knock me down.

I know you well. We have lived together for some time now. You are always lurking in the shadows. You are waiting for that moment, when it has been too long. When you sense I am vulnerable.

You are like a vulture, a big black bird, waiting. You fill me with shame, anger, self-loathing, sadness and despair. You like to bring up all the old hurt, and throw it in my face. You like my rage. It makes you happy. You are greedy.

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4 thoughts on “You Always Win … (Trigger Warning)

  1. Love this…in a i have bpd also n i relate type of way. Not a glorification way. I’ve been battling with bpd since I’ve been 13…Im almost 33 now and sometimes I just want to give up so bad…it truly is exhausting. ..But I learned a long time ago that any time I tried to give up….it only gets worse….that monster inside thrives on it. So some days I lay there hoping for life to finally be over…but im learning to be ok with that…as long as it doesn’t go on too long. I have to remind myself that every day can’t be a good day….not even close. And that tjose bad days are gonna be hell within myself. ..afterall I have BPD. ..it isn’t going away so I have to accept it to live a better life. Its okay to not be okay sometimes.

    Liked by 1 person

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