Attention All Shoppers – This crazy woman cannot find her husband!

I realized today that it has been a while since I have been out of the house. I have run a quick errand to the local grocery a few times. I actually believe my last long (more than 30 minutes) outing was December 21, 2016, finishing up Christmas shopping. I had a panic attack that day. My husband saw the exact moment it happened. The moment I was taken over by fear. He could tell by the look on my face I had to get out. He was afraid I was going to lose it, and hit someone.

Today we got out to return a few Christmas gifts and do a little shopping. After about an hour, I began to have anxiety. It grew more intense by the minute. I made it through the check out, and took my medication when I got to the car. I was hoping it would help ease my anxiety/panic.

My husband and I went to our second stop. I was hoping my medication would kick in and that I would be able to function. That did not happen. I began to panic, as I could not find my husband to let him know I had to leave the store. I searched and searched, and the anxiety was getting worse. I didn’t know what to do. I was in a panic!

I located a young clerk in the store, and told her I was having an anxiety attack and could not find my husband. I was extremely embarrassed to have to admit this to a complete stranger. She pages him over the intercom! I bow my head in shame, as I wait for him to appear. I feel as if the entire store has stopped, and they are all staring at the woman who had her husband paged across the entire store. He feels like a 5 year-old that is lost, being called by his mother.

I didn’t have my phone with me, so I could not call him. I didn’t have the keys to the car. I was at a point I was about to come unglued in this store. I had to get out, and get out quick! I am terribly embarrassed for myself and my husband that this happened.

I took the walk of shame to the car, where I can cry in private. I feel like a complete idiot for causing a scene. I feel guilty for causing him embarrassment in public. I wish this did not happen. I hate it!

It just comes out of nowhere, the anxiety and sheer panic, and hits me like a ton of bricks. I get a heavy chest, sweat, rapid heart-rate, my vision becomes distorted, my head aches, my body hurts, and I feel the need to run out of the store, fast!

He returns to the car after paying for our purchases. I apologize. I apologize that I am this way, that I embarrassed him, and myself. I feel like a failure. I cry and I cry some more. I cry for having this helpless feeling. I cry because I want to be normal. I cry because I know he must get frustrated with me.

I just cry …

 

 

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6 thoughts on “Attention All Shoppers – This crazy woman cannot find her husband!

  1. Oh my gosh i have to tell you this after reading which i have never shared with anyone. The same thing happened to me and I just started yelling his name. In Target. Screaming his name. Until he found me. I WAS the intercom. It wasn’t until after that I looked back and thought, wow I bet people thought I had really lost it. Which I had. But i know this feeling. I know this panic and it is nothing to be ashamed of. You are not a child or for anyone to think of you as a child just because your husband had to be paged. The fact that you even thought to ask someone for help is very courageous because often times I can’t even talk to anyone. You got help, they got him, and that is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.
    It just sucks doesnt it. You want to go out. You want to get out. Then you get out and have a panic. And it sucks so bad!!!! I’m so sorry that you had to go through that!!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

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