Shaking … from the inside – out

I am sitting here, trying to write. My thoughts are scattered, and I cannot seem to get my act together.

Yes, I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder. The symptoms can be debilitating. Add to this, Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder, and you have what equals hell on earth for 7 – 10 days.

PMDD (Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder), is like having PMS times 1000. I am shaking inside, and I am at odds with myself. This multiplies the symptoms of BPD, creating a horrible picture.


I stayed in bed all day yesterday and slept. I was irritable and anxious. I ate 5 glazed donuts! (I have been following a low-carb, keto diet). I am sure the amount of sugar I consumed was more than I have had in months. But, my gosh, they were tasty! My husband came in the room and teasingly asked “Did the dogs eat all of these?” I wish I could have said yes. No, it was me. I ate them ALL!

My husband can read me like a book. He can tell, before I can, that I am going to start my monthly cycle. I cannot imagine the effects of PMDD were I not already on medications. I always suffered from PMS, at an early age. It seems as I have gotten older, it has turned into something bigger.

I only recently learned of PMDD after doing some research online. I have read that 5-8% of women suffer from this. About the time my body starts to ovulate, the symptoms show up. They last until a few days after starting my period. I get anxious, unfocused, angry, have a short temper. I am not a nice person. I try to stay away from people so I do not say or do anything that may hurt them.

At my age, birth control pills are not an option. I think having a hysterectomy would be my only viable option to not having this disorder. And I imagine having my ovaries removed would be necessary. That would mean I would need hormone replacement. I have heard horror stories from women who have had this procedure.

So, you take 7 – 10 days out of my month that I suffer from PMDD. Add that to any bad days I may have with BPD, and you can see where I might have some real issues. Luckily, my husband knows this, and tries to accommodate my needs. He is a buffer for me, knowing that I am suffering terribly and tries to pick up the loose ends.

I got up late this morning, and ventured into the rest of the house. Of course, all I could see was chaos. The floors are dirty, laundry needs to be done, the litter boxes are dirty. (At least the kitchen was clean!) Where do I start? How can things get so out-of-hand in 24 hours? I am sure in most people’s minds, this is not a big deal. But to me, it is chaotic. I have lost the structure of my day. Structure is how I survive.

I have cleaned the litter boxes, started laundry, and am trying to find the gusto to clean the floors. It has been rainy here, and the dogs have brought in mud. I have no idea what we will have for dinner. I need to go to the grocery store, but that is not happening today. I have no patience for that.

I would crawl back in bed if I could. But my mind is racing like crazy, and I find myself bouncing between tasks. “Come on, let’s get it together”, I keep telling myself. I am not a good listener today.

I am hoping tomorrow I am back to my normal. You notice I say “my” normal. I am sure it is not like most people’s. But it is mine.



14 thoughts on “Shaking … from the inside – out

  1. I’m curious.. have you had your hormone levels checked? We have a compounding lab here that compounds hormones. I know PMDD is really bad. It’s way worse that PMS. And it is so hard to control those emotions because they literally take on just a world of their own!

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I was told that I was in menopause just by an ultrasound of my shriveled up ovaries!!! I am only 44 but apparently it is happening. I wake up covered in sweat and before my period feel rage. Absolute rage. Hormones can really affect everything!

        Liked by 1 person

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