Finding Mercy and Grace

I attended my niece’s wedding last year. The Pastor spoke of mercy and grace. This caught my attention, and I listened closely. I became saddened. I realized, in that very moment, that I lack these.

Grace is defined by giving us something that we do not deserve; while Mercy is defined as not receiving something we do deserve.

I was hurt to my very core by my husband many years ago. He had placed me on a pedestal, and I felt as if I were living a fairy tale … until that day; that turned into weeks, months, and years of pain.

I was knocked off my pedestal, and I hit the ground hard. I was slapped in the face with the fact that I did not live in a fairy tale, and I was not special. Had I been, he would not have made the choices he did.

He has apologized. He has tried in every way to make things better. But, you cannot right some wrongs. At least not in the mind of someone with Borderline Personality Disorder. I know he deserves mercy and grace. I just don’t have it to give.

 

I do not know if this is something I lack spiritually, or if it is a symptom of my mental illness. As much as I love him, I still cannot let it go. Although, I never want him to hurt the way that he hurt me, I often find myself wanting to “pay him back” in some way.

I have come to realize that I feel this way about several people in my life. People that have hurt me deeply, leaving scars that will never completely heal. I know this is not healthy, but honestly, I am not a healthy person.

I often wonder if other people feel like I do. Do they carry resentment and pain? Do they wish they could hurt the person that destroyed a piece of them?

Black and white, that is how my brain works. There is no in between. I cannot rationalize his reasoning or excuses. I cannot process it mentally. All I can process is that he hurt me deeply.

Mercy and Grace … maybe one day I will find it.

brokenheart

 

 

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9 thoughts on “Finding Mercy and Grace

  1. Maybe it is not your job to give mercy and grace. I always feel like, when a person is hurt, they have a job put on them. They must forgive or give mercy or understanding. Why does the hurt person have to do anything for the person that hurt them. They hurt you, you dont owe them anything. Some people feel like doing that and giving that is a way of letting go of the harm that was done to them but it is your choice and it should be done if and when you ever want to, not out of obligation. Just my thoughts on it.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned in therapy is to accept my feelings as valid and worthwhile. It’s perfectly ok and very understandable for you to be hurt or resentful if the situation warrants it. It’s how you behave that’s the important thing.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I suffer from the same affliction, but I have learned that resentments are like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. You are grieving and in grieving a myriad of emotions come into play. When you can arrive at acceptance then you will heal. Until then you will be tormented by images of revenge, hate, spite etc. You have to let it go or it will consume you and swallow you while and spot you put more broken than you can fathom. It has nothing to do with your bpd. Read the diagnosis and you will see that. I hope you can come to peace with this. It will set you free!

    Liked by 1 person

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