I attended my niece’s wedding last year. The Pastor spoke of mercy and grace. This caught my attention, and I listened closely. I became saddened. I realized, in that very moment, that I lack these.
Grace is defined by giving us something that we do not deserve; while Mercy is defined as not receiving something we do deserve.
I was hurt to my very core by my husband many years ago. He had placed me on a pedestal, and I felt as if I were living a fairy tale … until that day; that turned into weeks, months, and years of pain.
I was knocked off my pedestal, and I hit the ground hard. I was slapped in the face with the fact that I did not live in a fairy tale, and I was not special. Had I been, he would not have made the choices he did.
He has apologized. He has tried in every way to make things better. But, you cannot right some wrongs. At least not in the mind of someone with Borderline Personality Disorder. I know he deserves mercy and grace. I just don’t have it to give.
I do not know if this is something I lack spiritually, or if it is a symptom of my mental illness. As much as I love him, I still cannot let it go. Although, I never want him to hurt the way that he hurt me, I often find myself wanting to “pay him back” in some way.
I have come to realize that I feel this way about several people in my life. People that have hurt me deeply, leaving scars that will never completely heal. I know this is not healthy, but honestly, I am not a healthy person.
I often wonder if other people feel like I do. Do they carry resentment and pain? Do they wish they could hurt the person that destroyed a piece of them?
Black and white, that is how my brain works. There is no in between. I cannot rationalize his reasoning or excuses. I cannot process it mentally. All I can process is that he hurt me deeply.
Mercy and Grace … maybe one day I will find it.