Scattered Thoughts

I just can’t seem to get it together lately. I feel chaotic and not in control of my days. I look up at the clock, and before I know it, it will be one o’clock in the afternoon. What have I been doing? What have I accomplished?

Things have been different around here since the first of the year. One of my daughters, her husband, 4-year-old son, three dogs and a cat moved in temporarily. I am fortunate that I have the space, and they were able to use a very large room as their “temporary home”. This has definitely changed some things up for me, but I do not think this is the cause of me feeling out of control. It isn’t like we are cramped, or in anyone’s way. I sometimes forget they are even here. Well, until one of the dang dogs goes to barking non-stop. Then my dogs get antsy, and that does drive me a bit nuts.

I seem to have lost my balance, and the structure I followed daily to keep me focused. I still manage to get the laundry done, the floors clean, cook and clean the kitchen, etc. But I am missing something, and I cannot put my finger on it. I feel like I am losing time, that I cannot account for. I feel like I used to do something, and I don’t remember what it is.

I paint and do other crafts to distract myself from my thoughts. I really lose sense of time when I am doing this. I can repaint the same item over and over, never liking the outcome. If you have BPD, you know all too well how you can obsess over the tiniest thing. I obsess over something until I have made myself crazy – crazier than I already am.

I try to keep busy, from the moment I wake, until I go to bed. I do not watch television. I love(d) to read, but I haven’t in a while. I downloaded several books on my tablet months ago. I still haven’t felt the sense of ease to be able to sit down and read. I listen to music. Music speaks to me. Music has been a source of comfort (and pain) for me. Music helps me identify my feelings, and helps me with thoughts that I am unable to speak out loud. It also allows me a place to escape mentally.

I have only recently started to blog, and I enjoy reading other people’s blogs very much. I identify with so many of them. When I read blogs from people I follow, I feel I am at a place that is comforting. I have found a place I fit, and where I can be myself. I don’t have to pretend, or try to impress anyone. I am actually very surprised to see so many people who are like me. The word “darkness” is what I call it when I go into one of my fits. I realized that word is used by many people to describe themselves as well.

Darkness is a place that can be scary, yet I am known there. I have become friends, of sort, with the darkness. I think I sometimes miss the darkness, and need to go visit, if I haven’t been there in a while. Darkness is something I know all too well. I feel welcome there, and although it is not a good place, it feels like home. At first it is like putting on my favorite fuzzy robe, and being wrapped up in the warmth . But then, it takes a hold of me, and keeps me as it’s prisoner until it decides it is done with me. When the darkness decides to let its grip of me go, I am left completely exhausted. I am physically and emotionally bankrupt, and it takes days to recover.

I have a sense of dread that has been washing over me lately. I don’t know what I am dreading, if anything at all. I will get a sudden heavy chest, and my anxiety will peak. I have no idea why. But, what I have noticed, is that it usually happens around the same time each day. Typically between 3 or 4 o’clock in the afternoon, I will start to feel a bit of panic. I have yet to be able to identify the source of this.

I try to guide my thoughts to a certain area, and I just get scattered. Everything runs together, and nothing makes sense. I lose any focus. What was it I was supposed to be doing? What was I planning to do? Where is my coffee? My brain is full of chaos and noise. I think that is one of the feelings I hate most. Chaotic thoughts that I cannot control, like a lighted ticker-tape sign running across my forehead.

I suspect I am looking for a place that does not exist. I am searching for a sense of peace that is not to be. I don’t know if I will ever know peace again. I think being cursed with BPD strips you from any peace you ever had, and robs you from feeling at ease. I am constantly on high-alert, waiting for the darkness to come.

bpdmonster

 

 

 

 

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13 thoughts on “Scattered Thoughts

  1. Having BPD and PTSD it is imperative I stick to a familiar schedule and surroundings. So much changes within me, and rapidly that when my living environment changes and or schedule anxiety becomes overwhelming. Even unbearable..so I seek out familiarity. .Which translates to the deep dark corridors of my mind. Also, because of the BPD it is ofter hard for me to see it coming. However life shows up and it is impossible to keep everything the same..so if I happen to be doing fairly well I try to plan the best I can. Let ppl close to me know I might be having problems approaching. .Try my hardest to mentally and emotionally prepare for the change…try transitioning slowly into it if possible. .I realize these suggestions are not always possible. .or even work every time. .so ultimately the moment you realize your feeling lost in the darkness, reach out to someone you trust for help. Sometimes all it takes is a trusted friends reassurance that it will be okay. ..other times I’ve had to start meds…but above everything I can’t give up on hope for a better tomorrow. ..i can’t allow myself to sit in the misery because its more comfortable than exploring the uncharted territory.

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    1. Thank you for your insight. I agree schedule is very important for me. And most times any deviation can create anxiety. Change is something I don’t do well with. I like to know what is next. Unfortunately life doesn’t work that way.

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  2. When I read a post like yours it leaves me wondering if Doctors and Researchers have it all wrong. I identify 100% with everything you’ve said here. I’ve been diagnosed as Bipolar. I make jewelry, do adult coloring books, and take photos. Anything to distract myself. Lyrics and music have been a huge part of my life since I was born really. My mother had music playing at all times. I constantly shocked adults who would hear me singing songs from their generation while walking around a store. I use music as self punishment, when I’m down I will listen to songs to make myself feel worse. Blue October’s “Hate Me” is a go to for me. It is the relationship between my mother and me. When I want to feel happy it’s Aerosmith or John Mellencamp. When my stress, pain, or frustration level is too high I stutter. The people around me have lost the patience to wait for me to be able to speak. I don’t call it a “Darkness”. I call it a 20 foot black hole that I can’t crawl out of no matter how hard I try. I feel hopeless. Sometimes I’m there so often it does start to feel comfortable. I feel like there is an elephant on my chest and I always have this feeling like I want to go home, but I’m already home. I also become worse around 3-4 in the afternoon. That could be because one of my medications is leaving my system. There’s also diurnal variation where you feel worse in the morning, better as the day goes on, then start to feel worse again. It’s all a crapshoot and I don’t think the Scientific or Medical Community will ever truly know everything. Blogging has helped me immensely. Good luck.

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    1. I also self-punish with music. Funny the different ways we can harm ourselves. I was first diagnosed as Bipolar. It was not until I was inpatient for 90 days that I was diagnosed with Borderline. I also carry the title of PTSD, and extreme anxiety.

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  3. I don’t have BPD, just Bipolar and PTSD but I have all too familiar with the darkness. It’s an old friend. I wrote a poem ages ago before I was diagnosed about a fictional place, not knowing at the time I was really writing about my soul and mind, that contains the stanza:

    May the Light reach the Darkness
    May the Darkness embrace the Light
    Never to be severed
    One cannot be without the other

    It’s odd that’s the only part of the poem I have memorized BUT it is true. Light cannot exist without the darkness and darkness cannot exist without the light. When we find ourselves with too much of one then it’s time to find the other to balance ourselves out. We need both to feel balanced and whole.

    I agree with Rob that having your family move in with you has altered something in your sense of balance. This doesn’t make your family bad people. What it means is that for us change is hard and unsettling. Is going to disrupt our balance.

    If you currently have a therapist, I would suggest going over some strategies to regain that sense of balance. If nothing else let your therapist know how you are feeling. One of their jobs should be assisting with problem solving from an outside, unbiased perspective. If nothing else works then maybe a med change is in order but I’m not fond of those personally only because I’ve been through such a nightmare with meds. Only you know what’s best for you. I’m only offering suggestions that might help.

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      1. It takes time to regain balance. ❤ I went into hypomania when the boys and I moved for about two months. Then I crashed as expected. We're working on a new routine but we're getting there. You will too. 🙂

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      1. It’s hard finding a good therapist sometimes. I know I tend to freak people out with my direct frankness and the stuff I talk about. So it’s pure gold when you do finally find one that gets it and hears you out.

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  4. I feel for you in this post. If you do not have any real identifiable root cause, you must try to settle into harmony again. Personally, although you say it isn’t so, having your family move in with you has to have an effect on you on a deeper, subconscious level. Also, you don’t run into them?! What, you live in a hotel? lol. Keep out of the damn darkness! I suffer from bipolar, bpd, and PTSD. I know what happens in the darkness. Don’t be the drowning victim who suddenly feels the ocean’s warmth and just gives in. It is a battle you must wage sometimes moment by moment, but wage it we must!

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    1. I love your comments! Yes, I actually do see them, but it isn’t as if they are under foot. You are extremely insightful, and you are probably right. I am sure on some level this is part of the reason I feel so off balance. But the darkness, it always finds me. I shall battle on!

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